Sunday, April 19, 2009

Overcompensating....

Did you know that they have been mislabeling bras? I am so annoyed, especially after my latest bra adventure. For those of you struggling with your size and self-esteem, let me show it to you from the "too big" girls end. Yes, yes, it's true. Could anything exist - yes, and could my "C and greater" girlfriends, please give me an "amen," and feel free to chime in here.

I muster up the courage to go bra shopping at Lane Bryant, which is for chubby girls, and I get myself a lovely "sugar" colored bra. It's my waist size with some D's after it. I hate buying a bra. In younger years, it was a delight to see all of the cute prints with mickey mouse, plaid, and sweet colored lacy things. Front hook, back hook, whatever suits you. A few kids later and I have now moved into the Industrial Strength, over-the-shoulder-boulder-holder genre.

If you're not sure which category you are in, just check the hooks. If you have more than three, and your bra is named after an ugly Russian woman, (I.E. THE HELGA, or THE UBER-MAGDA), and if you have double row stitching, and rivets; OR the thread used to stitch it could also sew a button on your couch, ~ then yes, you have left "adorable land," and are fighting now to keep those "girls" off your waist... or knee caps. Your color choices are WHITE, BLACK and BEIGE. Though I understand that you can get hot pink and purple in certain areas of South Harlem...

So, imagine my dismay when, after only ONE washing, the seam ruptures under the cup. NO NO NO NONONOOOOOOOO! I do NOT want to go bra shopping again! No, I think I'll slink back in to the Lane Bryant and toss the defective product in a paper bag on the counter and just swap it out. Which I did. They showed me (held high so EVERYONE in the store could see) two of what seemed like similar bras, and I just pointed to the one that looked closest so they could pop it in the bag and I could get the heck out of there.

Would you believe that it was a plunge PADDED bra!!! The first time I tried it on at home, I had muffin top. My bussies popping up OVER the top of my bra! I took the darn thing off and realized that there were these air pockety plastic things concealed inside the bra. IN A DD BRA! WHO IN THE HECK IS SUPPLEMENTING A DD BRA! I took out the pockets and tried to get used to the plunge effect. It was so bad, so awful, I just knew that I would be trekking back to take back my "take back" bra. Which I did out of panic and mortification, not courage.

The overly cheery sales lady looked at my receipt and proceeded to help me out. "Yah, these run a little small...." Well, that explains the seam popping. I thought that first bra was a little tight, but like a new pair of shoes it needed to be broken in... So she measures me -in the middle of the store with onlooking shoppers - and advised me that in THIS brand, I could get a "G" for good coverage ( I LIE NOT ) or go up in waist size to compensate for a smaller cup. WHAT THE WHAT! Come to find out, this is all a marketing ploy to help smaller busted women salvage their self-esteem while simultaneously making the rest of us feel like circus freaks! I tried on a bra, shook my head at the size I was trekking home, and resolved to find a place that would see me for my true bra size.

So, if you are somewhere in the "B" range, wanting to be a luscious DD, and want it padded with air pockets so that you can sneeze in your cleavage, why not try out Lane Bryant? Apparently, it's not just for chubby "girls" anymore. Then we'll do lunch. Me in my DD, and you in yours. :D Perfect!

8 comments:

Danika said...

I SOOOOOOOO hear you! I hate bra shopping so much I'm still wearing my incredibly comfortable nursing bras. Oh, and since having Liesel my sports bras don't fit anymore. They do in the cup, but not around my ribcage... even when I put it on the loosest setting! I have no idea what size I am now and I just don't want to find out. Reading this may just give me the courage to find out though...

Alyse Patrice said...

Baha! Let me tell you, I HATE getting bras, so when I do I buy them in bulk, or I try to go shopping for them when they have them buy 1 get 1 half off or something. I went one time and the lady was like okay go in there and take your shirt off, I was like Umm...are you kidding me? I felt so violated! Also I totally feel you about the bra color choices, I go to walmart and look at the cute bras they have there and then have to search for the bras in the BOXES cause heaven forbid they actually sell something bigger than a 32 C on a hanger. So I completely sympathize with ya!

Meredith said...

I have heard that most women wear the wrong size. Now, I can't get much smaller than a 32 A unless I go for a cami with a shelf bra. That's right - 1 am a 10 year old - and I am still nursing 2-3 times a day! In fact, a shelf bra cami - that is what I am wearing now. I have watched enough Oprah's and read enough of Cardigan Empire to know we have it all wrong. (here's the series on intimates) http://www.cardiganempire.com/search/label/Intimates

Even Oprah found out she was the wrong size. You should never go up in band size (since when is it a WAIST size - where exactly are your boobs????) When the band size is wrong, you got nothin'. They say 90% of the support is from the band, not the straps. I have a 34 A I could wear while pregnant (cuz my ribs expanded...) and I try to wear it now and it is a joke. I need to get back to the 32's. Also, I have learned that it needs to fit on the first row of hooks. The other (tighter) hooks are for when it starts to age a bit and you need to cinch it in to keep the support. I always thought I should fit it to the tightest hooks. What do I know?

I know my problems are the opposite of your well endowed troubles but us tiny girls have troubles too! Have YOU ever bought a bra in the kiddo department as an adult? I have. I will admit it.

This is why I want to buy some boobs some day. Or at minimum some chicken cutlet inserts!

Big Momma said...

HAHAHAHA

and you wonder why I still wear some of my nursing bras (so what if they haven't been "unhooked" in almost a year- well at least for a baby! LOL) at least i don't have to worry about my cups "runnith it over"

Erika said...

I am with Meredith on the other end of things....but goodness that got me gigglin'! I guess bra shopping isn't fun unless you are a "perfect" (whatever that is) size. I hate when I don't fill out the darts in things...then I'm just left with loose fabric flopping around.

I sometimes wish my cup(s) ever runneth over...

Ali said...

What kind of nursing bras do you have? My nursing bras were the most uncomfortable things I have ever worn in my life. I would cry every day as I put them on. And I wore them 24 hours a day for 6 months. I hate nursing (FYI: I'm still nursing. I must be a glutton for pain)

I bought one bra when I was pregnant and that's the ONLY bra I have. I wear it every day and wear it until it's so dirty it can stand alone. (On laundry day I just let those sweet chariots swing low) Why? Because bra shopping is the worst.

I so hear you on this one

Reggs said...

UBER MAGDA!!! HAAAAAAAAH HA HA HAHAHAHAHAHHA
I am CRYING LAUGHING at this post and all the comments.
1) I had no idea they would pad a DD bra. It's like putting frosting on a krispy kreme. Enough is enough.
2) Meredith, you really bought from the kid section, AND you're nursing?? Hat's off to ya!
3) The cute bras on hangers are usually cheap and not very well made. Plaid and lacey is cute, but not after the first washing.
4) Why do we even WEAR bras?? such a weird concept when you think of it.
GOOD LUCK!

Gabrielle - Design Mom said...

Laughing so hard! Clearly bra shopping is no fun for anyone. : )