Friday, February 22, 2013

Mothering. Eternity's Japanese Game Show

My sister, Reagan, made a post the other day asking, "What does God sound like?" and one of her friends mistakenly posted, "I think God sounds Asian" instead of "I think God sounds like Aslan (of C.S. Lewis' "The Lion, Witch and the Wardrobe" fame)".  We all fell apart giggling about what an Asian God would say to His children, "Why you no repent?"

Asian God.  How silly.  And today, as I wandered around my home, I was of two minds; the devilish - "Holy Crap - this mess is insane!" and the angelic - "I chose to be a mom, ... and its not like this is hard.  Its vacuuming, picking up, rinsing out pots and pans etc."  As I numbly went about doing "the pickup" of unloading the dishwasher, switching over the unending load, shifting piles of paper "to go through" so that I could wipe off the counter.  I got distracted by a separate mess, and have not yet wiped down the counter, but hey, the kids got fed.  And I just had to think, "Is this really worth it? I mean.  Yah.  I "get" to do this, in the sense that there are people out there who can not have children.  I"m sure they would cry with joy at the possibility of... picking up after a kid." And then my sarcastic side slipped in, "Yes.  But you are not picking up after A kid, you are picking up after FOUR kids. Four kids who can undo a room such record time, its almost Genus Book of World Records - worthy."

Asian God.  Aslan God.  You know - I believe in God.  And of all the things I had to learn on my turn on earth, is this really it?  Patience?  Cuz that seems to be the only thing that is stretching around here except my butt.  And then I had the thought of a Hunger Games Arena.  The part where there's a group looking down into the arena at the controls, giving urgent messages about how things are unfolding in my micro controlled environment:

 "They have been home 1.2 minutes.  Deploy the toddler to find the new plaster teeth mold and destroy it. Let the 4-yr old see the new box of Lucky Charms.  With proper hand placement, explode the entire bag like cereal confetti in the front "guest" area..."

and me... with what is left of my wits, left alone to try and defend against it.

Heaven forbid that I have tidy kids!!!  And I gotta say, I am not really winning this game.  They undo faster than I can redo.  For example; Sam's ride came to the door yesterday.  Two little girls were sent to retrieve him, and after I opened the door, one little girl said to the next, "Wow - its really messy in there."  What did she see? Oh, the broken chair that hubby has been "going to fix" for almost 2 years now.  Freshly torn out curtains from my son's room. Gross carpet, (because the spot bot just ain't cuttin' in anymore), a very dead aloe plant that "I don't know" keeps stabbing with a fork, my microfiber couch that has been peed on a number of times, and the remnants of yesterday's cereal escapade. There's more, but I just can't list it all here.  All it would take to put right is a team of professionals and two hours to get it back into shape.

However.  I don't HAVE a team.  The team of professionals is me.  And the timer for cleaning really only starts when kids are not being their creative selves or NOT in the house; a narrow window between 12:45 and 3:20 which is naptime + schooltime - Tues-Fri.  There is an INSANE number of things to do in a ridiculously short amount of time.  And then... I got it.  Suddenly the idea of an Asian God didn't seem so odd.   Mothering. Eternity's Japanese Game Show.  Hear me out.

If you start off on the premise that you are going to be asked to do absolutely ridiculous stuff, in an insane environment, with a benevolent set of onlookers "Ohhh'ing and Awww'ing" with noisemakers at each level, well you have it about right. In my imagination, there are a bunch of bored, but perfectly happy angels, who have nothing but holy things to do.  I think I help them feel a lot better about things on THAT side of the mortal veil.  I suspect that they have many tapes that they can rewind of my kids driving me bonkers for their heavenly free hours -

 "I love this part where she is working on her daughter's project and she's just about to see what that boys have been up to! OOOOOOOOOOOOOHHHH!  Peanut butter on the Jesus picture!  Classic!"

I have a HOST of friends that feel better about their lot after hearing about mine.  Its great to be in the stands, "Oh, that's too bad - oh gee, I bet you'll laugh about it later!"  They don't want to enter the arena.  They just want to watch the show.  Like old people who tell you to enjoy it - but never offer to babysit...

Today's obstacle course, "Make sure daughter leaves with map of "Treasure Island" with attached book report notes.  Your printer does not work, and you have only seconds to send it to the print shop, to have it picked up, and glued on, before school.  You must keep the laundry rolling through, decide what to do with the now-dried-out angel food cake that you found, and clean up the crumbs. You must scrub all the pots and pans and run the dishwasher TWICE because the children broke the interior of the door and the spigot doesn't work half the time.  There are clothes, both dirty and clean, that need to be sorted and refolded/tossed in that huge laundry pile because you went to a "How to train your children to handle Money" symposium last night, and they didn't get their clothes put away. Dinner will require that you start thawing the meat NOW or your entire dinner/evening will be messed up.  You still have 6 banker boxes to fill with items for the "Build a Knight" Blue and Gold banquet that you are putting on for the Cub Scouts on Tuesday. You must mark that your daughter attended "World Thinking Day" in order to pass off her PA pin, and make arrangements with your spouse to get some things cleaned on Saturday since you will be loading up Girl Scout cookies. Your son's dental appointment is in 10 minutes and the place is 15 minutes away."

I'm sure this will be hilarious.  Some day.  To someone else.  But that last statement is true, and its a snowy day, and I put my toddler down for a nap that I now need to snatch him up from. Ready.  Set. GO!

Good luck to you, fellow mothers.  I get it.  It is such a crazy ride, and once on it, you can't really opt out. There is an Asian God, and he needs good ratings.  I'm sure it will be high humor to someone.  May you be strong to fight your daily battles.  And may the odds be ever in your favor!! Next question, "Why you no repent?!"


Danika said...

I'm in the trenches with you! Hang in there :)

Reggs said...

You know, sometimes you gotta look heavenward to Asian God and say, "WHY YOU NO HELP?" and He will wisely answer back, "WHY YOU NO TRUST ME?" and you might say, "MY HOUSE IS MESSY FULL HOUR!" and He will wisely reply, "ONE DAY YOU HAVE QUIET HOUSE...TOO QUIET."
I do love my babies. I sometimes have to go hide in my bathroom or rock in a corner. And sometimes the world spins outside my door, and some mother out there is marching her 7 and 5 year old to the doors of Carnegie Hall for a concert, and my 7 and 5 year old are in time outs for throwing Froot Loops at each other.
I take great advice from my big sister Katrina who once told me, "Everything is temporary. You won't always be in this situation. Life moves on, and this too, shall pass."
She is pretty wise. And smart. :)