My dad is famous for a gesture that is a hand waving back and forth in a horizontal way that is meant to indicate a spectrum of color ranging from black to white. "Noooo gray area..." he would say. Whatever the conversation, what he meant with that wave of the hand was, "Lets make sure that there are no missed expectations.... no gaps in understanding. Stick to the black and white of things."
Gaps can be rather harmful, and the London subway system goes to great lengths to advertise a gap between the concrete ledge and the train. But even greater dangers seem to be those gaps in understanding between spouses, children and people we love. "I thought YOU were bringing the paper plates!" "Nooo, I was already bringing the silverware, so of course I thought YOU were bringing paper plates." It is this "gray area" of misunderstanding that leaves things implied, not spelled out, that my father strives to eliminate. The same sentiment is expressed by Henry David Thoreau when he said,
"In human intercourse the tragedy begins, not when there is misunderstanding about words, but when silence is not understood."
I am trying to eliminate this area of missed expectations in my life. As I turn the ripe old age of 39, I see the gaps between what my younger self had planned, and what life has planned for me instead. Without an accounting and clarification of what dreams I traded in for what I got, there is ample room for disappointment. And in some cases when I review the crossroads in my life, I must just repeat to myself another one of my dad's pithy statements, "Well THAT was an expensive mistake!"
For the others, however, I just have to take a good hard look at the gap. According to the Buddha, we suffer because we crave. What about the gray area is a misery of my own making? Can it be bridged? Can it be fixed? Should it be bridged? Did I miss a train somewhere and fall into a gap of missed expectations? I'd hate to admit here how horrifyingly dumb I've been in my life, but there it is. And I'm not alone. Some missed expectations have come from my dealing with others. The desire to change the core personality of others that... will never change - no matter how much reasoning and common sense is presented to them, has brought about a newfound wisdom: You can't change people. I include myself in all this; hardly going from grace to grace myself, I feel like I've tripped face down from one mud puddle into another. I really saw a lot of things going differently in my head....
But I did not miss the boat on a spouse. He is the envy of all I know. I did not miss the train when I got each of my kids that make my life interesting. Whether on a diploma'd piece of paper, or ability I have gained, I have learned a LOT in the past 39 years. I just have to figure out how to mind the gap between what I expected, and what has been presented. Am I wise? OH heaven's no. I can't fix all the gaps and gray area's in my life. I'm just smart enough to recognize a gray area, a gap, or a missed expectation when I see one.
4 comments:
I'm so glad you're back to blogging occasionally. Whether hysterically funny or thought-provoking, you are a fantastic writer!
I think that managing expectations is a huge part of happiness. Good thoughts.
I love your dad!!!!! He has great wisdom most of the time! :-) hahaha.... great thoughts all around but I also think my life is much better in most cases then what I had in my own head. The only two people I have to thank for making more of my life is my Savior Jesus Christ and Heavenly Father. I breath a sigh of relief when I see the majestic mountains I stand on verses the valley of happiness I thought were so great. So I'm thinking I need some Bruce time!
Maam, I am glad to see your back, though your last post had me believing it was a setup when my wife asked me to get the checkbook from her purse. I pondered this post for a long time .Please forgive my writing skills , there is a reason while I have not commented on your posts until recently. I believe people and experiences weave the fabric that makes us part of who we are Life is very interesting and how people move in an out of one’s life. I mean really, I found your first post along time back, while looking for a recipe for Turkish Naan bread. I have a different prism to view things by and I thank you. I assume the web is a way for you to vent, but sometimes I think you are a bit hard on yourself. Yes you have the most important job in the world- MOM- but relax, drawing on the wisdom of my friends” Life is what happens to you while you’re planning for it”. Your father sounds like a wise man, and no you can’t change people, yet; they can change themselves when you change your expectations for them. To me this is where the Grey area comes to play. They say a recovering alcoholic states they are always an alcoholic and for good reason, they are! (Change alcoholic for any bad behavior) But that does not mean they are always going to get drunk? NO, they just have a past they are dealing with and have raised their expectations. Unfortunately, under the wrong circumstances, they can slip back into old ways. Does this mean we scarlet letter them for life? I hope not.
The most interesting statement you made is “What I traded in for what I got”. I do not believe in predestination but I do believe our Heavenly Father knows what we truly need and want, and he guides to that end, No matter how hard we fight him! Like the recovering alcoholic, we choose and he expects. If you saw the recent new Star Trek movie, you learned it is an Alternate reality,(Everyone knows The Enterprise was the First US starship) all the characters are there but the events and story lines plays out differently than the original Star Trek. Both were good, but is one really better than the other? To explain better, Please allow me to use your children as an example; you as a youth had certain expectations in life and may have even planned them with a certain lucky young man.(It is said women plan their wedding from the time they are 6 and men sometime between “ let’s do this and I do “ ) Imagine you married your Magnum PI of youth – You would have that Dashing husband and a cool car in Hawaii BUT would your daughter be that sassy cute young version of you or sons be who they are now ? Would you even have children? Right now do you really want a child different than the one you have? Going out on a limb, I would say not. Ohhh do not misunderstand, I pine for the days of you when I though $20 in my wallet , a tank full of gas in my car and my sweetheart at my side, meant I was the richest man in the world!!! I LOVE PLAYING the “what if “game. I mean really my life would be different if I lived…… Today I make 10 times the amount of my early years and it still seems to never be enough. What I do have is a spouse that sticks by me when others would run, children that I cannot even imagine life without and a heart full of friends and memories that I would not change for a king’s ransom , for in part, they make me who I am . It sounds like you have a wonderful spouse and kids too, that’s awesome, for these are the most important things (but you knew that). To steal a line from the new TRON movie “ I spent my life looking for perfection and it was right before me the entire time” It’s fun to think about the what if’s, just remember if those what if’s came true , you would not have many of those the joys of the present. So crank those 80’s tunes and sing with your kids “Cause it goes on and on and on ”
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