Tuesday, February 16, 2010


Today I am one day shy of 30 weeks pregnant, and this time has significant meaning for me. This is exactly how pregnant I was when Benjamin was born. He was 3lbs 4oz, and an emergency c-section. I can easily remember how small he was, his whole hand didn't reach around his daddy's pinkie. I didn't see him the whole first day or night that he was born. And when I did get to go see him, the immense sorrow of seeing my baby with tubes and tape and an enormous "newborn" diaper engulfed me. One question was on everyone's lips, "Will he make it?" We didn't know. The nurse who worked on him said, "Look at this little guy fight! He does NOT want that tube down his throat. That's a good sign - he's a fighter..."

The details of that day resurface every now and again, and when they do, the fear and anxiety return. One of my sisters once asked to see a photo of Benjamin and his newborn curly blonde hair. I hadn't seen those photos in awhile, and as I flipped through each newborn NICU picture, the memories flooded so fast and furious that I could only look and sob.

Even now, for this blog, as I pick through those first photos, I edit again, "That one is too scary," "You see all of the tubes in this one, " "This one would make people uncomfortable - or even worse, scared..." In all of them, Matthew and I look like death warmed over. Life moved from "normal" to ... to something all together different. And I wouldn't wish it on anyone.

Though that time was dark for us, ever so gradually, shines the light of that time. Through that blackest of nights came the dawn. Every day offered a little more hope, and one more chance to enjoy our little boy. Many of our prayers were answered, and we found that faith isn't just an ethereal idea - rather, it is a solid rock that harbors your soul in the hurricanes of life. We didn't skip through this trial by any means, but we were not alone either.

Fast forward 5 years, and that premature baby is as solid as a keg of nails, and about to be a big brother for the second time. He can flush toys down the toilet, and scribble on walls like the best of them. If you didn't already know, you would have to be told that he was a preemie. Everything is just fine. We were blessed, we are lucky; and to be able to do it again, we are grateful. I'm happy for this new little one, and I am happy - despite the side effects, to keep this little bun in the oven for awhile - especially today.


Danika said...

Here's the problem when you're a visual person...you immediately look at the blog photos first BEFORE you start reading! My heart skipped a few beats when I saw that tiny hand and the tiny baby and I thought, "NO! Not again..." Then I started reading and breathed a sigh of relief.

Although I've never had a preemie, since we suffer from the same problem, I know a bit of the scariness of "holding your breath" the entire pregnancy. Doctors look at my ultrasounds and are amazed that I had 3 full-term babies (actually they are amazed I have any kids at all).

Here's praying the little guy stays in for another few months!

Cyndie said...

I'm sending you lots of good karma!

(My husband Jeremy was a preemie, too. Funny, huh?)

Danika said...

Foiled by Danika AGAIN! Anyhoo, I think this is a time everyone in the family will remember and we are so very glad to have Benjamin around.

Take it easy these last few weeks!

Lisa said...

That picture of him as a preemie.....it just SO looks like Benjamin. You know how some infant pictures you have NO clue who it is......that one SCREAMS Benjamin.....despite the give aways like, the feeding tube, you, and his size. Now.....that last picture....seroiusly, I wouldn't have pegged that as Benjamin! WHO is that? I even clicked on it and enlarged it! I mean, I just saw him two days ago......!

Meredith said...

Oh, he was so little!! Do you just feel so protective of such a little guy? I don't know how you did it - I would be a wreck. But like you say, look at him now!

Reggs said...

I love inspiringly positive posts! I didn't ever know Benjamin as a teeny little guy. When I first met him (at around 6 weeks?) he was already beginning to put on massive fat rolls. I do believe he was known as a "sack of potatoes" even as a youngster.
I can't imagine what it would be like to look at your new baby with all the tubes and how scary that would be. I'm so glad it turned out well and you feel that you're better for it! It's absolutely something to remember and celebrate!
As for the Danika's, the one who loves Katrina more OBVIOUSLY posts first HA HA HA HAHA!

Erika said...

Ick that sounds awfully scary. We had a brief scary episode of Squire hooked up to tubes and such and it was no picnic.

Here's hoping you keep this one in longer!

And thanks for the many inspirational posts in a row! Lovely.