Monday, April 21, 2008

Emergency Preparedness

I believe in Emergency Preparedness. It's a way of bringing peace of mind and preparing for the unpleasantnesses of life. To this end, I just wanted to have, in print form - and accessible to all peoples, our preparedness plan in the unhappy event that I die.

No, I'm not planning on it, but it's not as though it has never happened either. If things DO go awry with bringing Baby Sam into the world, I want to leave this existence with a sense that I did all I could for my family. Some have scoffed and scorned, but you don't have to like it, or agree with it, because it's for my peace of mind - not yours. But feel free to use this as a template for your own preparedness.
The Rules of Engagement:
If I should die, there are a few things that I would like to happen as life goes on for my family here on earth - well, at least things that would make ME happy:

* Respect for the deceased. I think 2 years is about the minimum amount of time that ought to transpire for my spouse to mope about and mourn my loss. I'd love to have our wedding pictures blown up huge and distributed generously throughout the house, so the kids can remember their (once skinny) mother who loved them so dearly. Maybe Matthew can build a Taj Mahal sanctuary in his spare time, or, ya know, make a huge scrapbook with all of our photos together and sentimental things he remembers - something of the sort. That's for the kids, really. He can do it while he watches ESPN Full Access on his new plasma screen tv, which he has informed me, will be the first thing purchased with the money from my life insurance policy. "To compensate for his loss of my companionship" he says. Hmmm. That'll keep him busy. I'm okay with that. You know where the glue sticks are . . .

I have noted, in my own experience, that widowed men with children tend to find themselves overloaded with both parenting roles pretty quickly. But before they've had a chance to develop a true appreciation for taking on the role of motherhood, they make desperate, yea, even rash decisions about remarrying. Cinderella's father being a prime example of finding someone, "pretty good," but who turned out to be the consummate "Step-Monster." A long dating/engagement might have revealed a chink or two (like her daughters), and Cinderella ought to have had at least a little input. LISTEN TO THE KIDS!

Tut tut, he made a good decision in marrying you, why worry right? Well, - he may SAY that he had good sense in selecting you, but statistics will bear me out! Men will generally take about any woman willing to step in and start rolling the laundry through after about a month or two of "going it alone." So, I'll insist on hired help from a service that employs older, respectable ladies. Give things some time to even out a bit without the nuisance of temptation.

Finding a Substitute
I know that there are a lot of fantastic women out there who could fill my shoes. I know that, as much as I ALSO know that there are some shallow gold diggers out there as well! I have thought long and hard about how to separate the wheat from the chaff and have come up with a few handy rules:

1. Any candidate for my spot must be introduced to my family (the kids) as well as my extended family, and get a unanimous "thumbs up" approval for an engagement proposal - after all, they would know best who I would want to get along with in the hereafter. One negative vote though, - especially from my mom, and the applicant hits the road, no questions asked. Good bye, thanks for your interest - don't call us, we'll call you.

2. The "intended's" engagement ring may not exceed, in size or quality, the engagement ring I have. I don't care if Matthew can afford bigger and better - if I didn't get it in this life, neither will you. I've suffered through his schooling, motherhood, the antics and agonies of small children, and poverty. It would really ruin my heavenly hereafter to see some **Misti** coming in at the last minute to enjoy the fruits of my/our labor. Sorry to stick it to you sister, but if you ain't in it for the man, drive on Sistah, drive on.

Note Bene: And she can't have my ring either - that would be tacky. My ring will be put in a safety deposit box, unaltered, until Abigail gets married, or earns her PhD (no ABD either) - whichever comes first. By then she should have a good sense of what to do with my ring.

Addendum to #2: My Substitute may never own more jewelry (given her by Matthew), in value or quantity, than I owned at the time of my demise. Again, if I didn't get it, neither will you. You really love diamond earrings? Great! Go get a job and earn them yourself. Here's a lovely copper bracelet for your 50th wedding anniversary; just be grateful that you got to live that long, I say.

3. My children will inherit the "lion's share" of their Father's estate. Reproduce all you want with the new chickie-poo. However, you'll have to work extra hard at getting the second set of kids set up. They'll have to get a good education on scholarship, or they'll have to pull themselves up by their boot straps.

That way they can: build character, have a sense of accomplishment for their scholarly sacrifices, enjoy the satisfaction of having worked their way through school and getting it all paid for, - OH - like I did! Books, tuition, all of it. I've already taught my kids those values, and I haven't been bustin' my butt, scrimpin' and savin' my pennies, just so that some other kid can get a free ride through the community college while he discovers his "inner artist." Plllllbt.

4. No potential replacement candidates may apply that have the following: a birth date more than 5 years my junior, slutty wardrobe, botox, lipo, tattoos, hair color that does NOT occur in nature, or fakie boobs. Period. If you're high on maintenance, and low on authenticity, you aren't for, um, him. :D

5. As a precaution against all these, if the engagement proceeds, and I am not happy about it, I will make sure that Matthew loses his keys. That is the sign, from me, from the other side, that I want him to dump this chick IMMEDIAMEN-TAY. Maybe get a dog to keep him company instead. Then we can all continue to enjoy our Happily Ever After. Or, at least I will!

As the King of Siam so eloquently put it, "So let it be written, so let it be done!"

You never know when you are going to make a difference in someone's life - really change it for the better. Here is where all my hard won wisdom has gone on to bless the life of someone else. Matthew's dad is the one and only, artist for the comic strip "Pickles," and this is where a lippy attitude will get you - in the funny papers! Enjoy - and thanks, Dad. I feel so privileged!

Click cartoon to enlarge


Cicily said...

You are hilarious! I will be sure to make sure Matthew properly mourns you if this tragic end comes to fruition.

Meredith said...

You make me laugh. And since I have been thru this, with my mom dying, I have a few things to say. Men cannot live alone. I think it is a biological fact. My sisters and I did not have time to be his wife OR mother so we welcomed him getting remarried. However, we wish he would have found someone NOT on and had NOT already been married 3 times previous (and 3 times divorced.) Every time we voiced a "thumbs down" or referred to all her red flags, we were dismissed. (As if it would have been OK for any of his children to marry a currently dis-fellowshipped thrice divorced man EVER in our life time!) And no, they didn't use my mom's rings at all...but they DID use her old diamonds from previous marriages in trade at The Shane Co. for her new and improved wedding ring #4. And when they promise that all the personal stuff, like pictures, will still be in the house, just in a seperate guest room, don't believe them because they will start off by putting all the memories of the first wife in there, with plans to make it a nice guest room, (you know, a place where the grandkids can still come over and see Grandma's yearbooks and favorite quilts) then the new wife will refer to it as the room full of all the junk she needs to get rid of to turn it into a train/hobby room for dad as a surprise for Christmas.

Just sayin'.

Katrina said...

YES! I made Matthew read your comment Meredith - he thought it was all light hearted, but you know better. Shouldn't she be ready for husband #5?

MMW said...

Dearest K, found you via technorati searching my never-without. Thanks for the link in the side. What a hilarious blog you have. All the best with number 3 - any day now...

Meredith said...

Do you mean he thought I was kidding??? Light hearted? It is all true. Every word. I swear on my mother's grave. Which, I never like to go to, because I would rather remember her when I make her recipes and stuff like that....than go stand in a cemetery and look at a hunk of granite in the grass.

Lisa said...

Now I don't care what size her ring is or how much jewelry she owns. Hell, she can even wear MY ring, since I have no daughters to give it to. The only thing I care about is that she is a good member of the Church and that she loves my boys unconditionally as if they are her own. However, if Joel marries some blonde bimbo, I have promised to haunt his butt every night and guarantee him no nookie. :)

Reggs said...

LOLOL...ooooookay. I guess you really like your jewelry, DANG. I was talking to Lisa about this last night and I think it would be okay for Allen to re-marry a good substitue mommy for my girls. You know, like, Mary Poppins with a degree (and minus the boots. Ugly boots). I also wouldn't mind if he married younger, thinner and higher maintenance than me. For the FOLLOWING:
-She'll have one baby and get stretch marks AMADRE. Since Allen has no tact, he'll say something like, "weird, Reagan had two babies and NEVER had stretch marks."
-She'll gain at least 20 pounds that will never go away. Allen will be so smart to say, "That's so weird, Reagan got skinnier after every baby. In fact, she wore her pre-pregnancy jeans home from the hospital."
-She'll not give it up as much as I did. That's just an obvious fact. She will start to think I could not have been possibly real, and that Allen made me up.
-She'll spend too much money on a handbag and Allen will take away her credit cards, like a little baby. He'll go on and on about how Reagan was fantastic with her money and how together we got a house nearly 100% debt free, and why can't she be more like me.
-The kids will say, "hey substitute mom, let me ride on your back!" or "spin me! spin me!" and she'll say. "Um, sorry, i just got my nails done." And just like that...she'll be HISTORYYYY!

So basically I plan on the fact that Allen has no tact to ensure that he will still be single by the time he dies and gets to the eternities. NOT ONLY THAT...but he'll appreciate me SO MUCH MORE after trying out that more expensive flashy woman. HAR HAR.

Meredith said...

So, does your FIL often troll the blogs looking for ideas for comic strips? I think it is hilarious!

Joel said...

I've decided that if Lisa dies, I am going to marry a blond bimbo. I've already had smart and sassy, I think I'd like to marry dumb and busty-er errrrr.