Emergency Preparedness

I believe in Emergency Preparedness. It's a way of bringing peace of mind and preparing for the unpleasantnesses of life. To this end, I just wanted to have, in print form - and accessible to all peoples, our preparedness plan in the unhappy event that I die.

No, I'm not planning on it, but it's not as though it has never happened either. If things DO go awry with bringing Baby Sam into the world, I want to leave this existence with a sense that I did all I could for my family. Some have scoffed and scorned, but you don't have to like it, or agree with it, because it's for my peace of mind - not yours. But feel free to use this as a template for your own preparedness.
The Rules of Engagement:
If I should die, there are a few things that I would like to happen as life goes on for my family here on earth - well, at least things that would make ME happy:

* Respect for the deceased. I think 2 years is about the minimum amount of time that ought to transpire for my spouse to mope about and mourn my loss. I'd love to have our wedding pictures blown up huge and distributed generously throughout the house, so the kids can remember their (once skinny) mother who loved them so dearly. Maybe Matthew can build a Taj Mahal sanctuary in his spare time, or, ya know, make a huge scrapbook with all of our photos together and sentimental things he remembers - something of the sort. That's for the kids, really. He can do it while he watches ESPN Full Access on his new plasma screen tv, which he has informed me, will be the first thing purchased with the money from my life insurance policy. "To compensate for his loss of my companionship" he says. Hmmm. That'll keep him busy. I'm okay with that. You know where the glue sticks are . . .

I have noted, in my own experience, that widowed men with children tend to find themselves overloaded with both parenting roles pretty quickly. But before they've had a chance to develop a true appreciation for taking on the role of motherhood, they make desperate, yea, even rash decisions about remarrying. Cinderella's father being a prime example of finding someone, "pretty good," but who turned out to be the consummate "Step-Monster." A long dating/engagement might have revealed a chink or two (like her daughters), and Cinderella ought to have had at least a little input. LISTEN TO THE KIDS!

Tut tut, he made a good decision in marrying you, why worry right? Well, - he may SAY that he had good sense in selecting you, but statistics will bear me out! Men will generally take about any woman willing to step in and start rolling the laundry through after about a month or two of "going it alone." So, I'll insist on hired help from a service that employs older, respectable ladies. Give things some time to even out a bit without the nuisance of temptation.

Finding a Substitute
I know that there are a lot of fantastic women out there who could fill my shoes. I know that, as much as I ALSO know that there are some shallow gold diggers out there as well! I have thought long and hard about how to separate the wheat from the chaff and have come up with a few handy rules:

1. Any candidate for my spot must be introduced to my family (the kids) as well as my extended family, and get a unanimous "thumbs up" approval for an engagement proposal - after all, they would know best who I would want to get along with in the hereafter. One negative vote though, - especially from my mom, and the applicant hits the road, no questions asked. Good bye, thanks for your interest - don't call us, we'll call you.

2. The "intended's" engagement ring may not exceed, in size or quality, the engagement ring I have. I don't care if Matthew can afford bigger and better - if I didn't get it in this life, neither will you. I've suffered through his schooling, motherhood, the antics and agonies of small children, and poverty. It would really ruin my heavenly hereafter to see some **Misti** coming in at the last minute to enjoy the fruits of my/our labor. Sorry to stick it to you sister, but if you ain't in it for the man, drive on Sistah, drive on.

Note Bene: And she can't have my ring either - that would be tacky. My ring will be put in a safety deposit box, unaltered, until Abigail gets married, or earns her PhD (no ABD either) - whichever comes first. By then she should have a good sense of what to do with my ring.

Addendum to #2: My Substitute may never own more jewelry (given her by Matthew), in value or quantity, than I owned at the time of my demise. Again, if I didn't get it, neither will you. You really love diamond earrings? Great! Go get a job and earn them yourself. Here's a lovely copper bracelet for your 50th wedding anniversary; just be grateful that you got to live that long, I say.

3. My children will inherit the "lion's share" of their Father's estate. Reproduce all you want with the new chickie-poo. However, you'll have to work extra hard at getting the second set of kids set up. They'll have to get a good education on scholarship, or they'll have to pull themselves up by their boot straps.

That way they can: build character, have a sense of accomplishment for their scholarly sacrifices, enjoy the satisfaction of having worked their way through school and getting it all paid for, - OH - like I did! Books, tuition, all of it. I've already taught my kids those values, and I haven't been bustin' my butt, scrimpin' and savin' my pennies, just so that some other kid can get a free ride through the community college while he discovers his "inner artist." Plllllbt.

4. No potential replacement candidates may apply that have the following: a birth date more than 5 years my junior, slutty wardrobe, botox, lipo, tattoos, hair color that does NOT occur in nature, or fakie boobs. Period. If you're high on maintenance, and low on authenticity, you aren't for, um, him. :D

5. As a precaution against all these, if the engagement proceeds, and I am not happy about it, I will make sure that Matthew loses his keys. That is the sign, from me, from the other side, that I want him to dump this chick IMMEDIAMEN-TAY. Maybe get a dog to keep him company instead. Then we can all continue to enjoy our Happily Ever After. Or, at least I will!

As the King of Siam so eloquently put it, "So let it be written, so let it be done!"

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------ADDENDUM
You never know when you are going to make a difference in someone's life - really change it for the better. Here is where all my hard won wisdom has gone on to bless the life of someone else. Matthew's dad is the one and only, artist for the comic strip "Pickles," and this is where a lippy attitude will get you - in the funny papers! Enjoy - and thanks, Dad. I feel so privileged!

Click cartoon to enlarge