Friday, April 18, 2008

Why I Want to be a Grandma . . .

I can't wait for Benjamin to have kids. I hope he has boys. I hope he has a lot of them. And I hope he will call me when they are 3 and incredibly naughty. I can't wait for that sweet revenge! And I know that I will laugh my fool head off - if I'm not already doing so in some sanitarium across town.
Here is the most recent picture of Benjamin and the stain from the mildew remover spray bottle (bleach) that he dumped all over the carpet. Our neighbor suggested that we use the carpet from our closet to patch it, as there are no scraps of this nasty carpet left in this house (of course there isn't - it is 150 yr old carpet). We can't use the stuff in Benjamin's closet, because it still has the orange stain from the time he snuck an unused macarooni/cheese packet and made a paste on the carpet in there.

As I started mentally tallying all the mischievous things that he's done, I realized that any one of them would be enough to push a regular mom off their mental cliff, but to have them compounded in the space of two weeks for a 9 month pregnant mom is just insane!

Is there enough space to put up the pictures of the Comet cleanser he shook out all over the carpet and bathroom? The toilet paper wads - not the ones previously posted - the new ones he flung up on his own bedroom door? The BBQ sauce he drop-kicked across the kitchen floor, and the water he spit out all over the kitchen table just to watch a little friend laugh? Or how 'bout the toothbrush down the bathroom sink that caused a leak under the cabinet so that all the spare toilet paper could marinate for a few days? AHHHHGGGG! And those are just the things in my SHORT term memory. It begs the question, how can this little THING keep coming up with new destructive ways to drive me crazy!!
Today, in an attempt to get all his energy out in a safe, monitored, environment, we went to a mall playground. Into the morning AZ sun, we heard complaints about the hot plastic,- but luckily there is a little water park area. Aw, let 'em run around in a diaper and get nice and wet and tired. I stripped him down to his diaper, and let him run off with his little friend while I gathered up the clothes, purse, left over nuggets etc. By the time I'd picked up all of our stuff, I waddled over to the water section only to catch a good glimpse of a naked, white kid running pell mell through the water spigots while a murmur of, "Where's his mom?" circulated amongst the appalled crowd.
I got to talk to the security guard about my naked child. "He can't do that here you know," as if to say, "I don't know where you come from, but out here public exposure is considered bad!"
He continues,"You can walk a 1/2 mile to [some place] and buy a water diaper - which we recommend- for children playing in the water area."

Oh shut up. I can barely get up and down, all my spare cash is going to re-carpet my hallway, and he thinks I'm gonna hike around to get him a water diaper???!!!! Many Italian gestures come to mind.

My friend Stacy is very sympathetic to my plight. She holds down the "stuff" fort while I go chase down my boy in order to re-diaper his pasty butt. The same kid, who was SUPPOSED to be getting rid of excess energy, while our neighbor installs closet carpet over the hallway bleach stain, which was all supposed to be fixed before this baby comes. My brilliant plan has failed. I am so tired, I am so defeated, I have but two words left in me: "Deliver Me."

7 comments:

Lisa said...

BAHAHAHA! Just wait until he starts swearing in prayers in Church! I'd like to tell you it gets better and they "grow" out of it, but they don't. He will continue to do things to which you scratch your head and say "WHERE IN THEE HELL DID YOU COME UP WITH THAT IDEA????" ie Elijah got a BRAND NEW Tony Hawk Shirt for his birthday from my parents. He promptly wore it the next day to school, where he cut the bottom of it up with scissors so it looks like he has fringe on the front. WHAT IN THEE....? I'm convinced you and I don't understand these antics because in our many, MANY years, things such as these NEVER crossed our minds! Why? Because we are female! It's always good to hear other people's "boy" stories, makes you realize that your own are right on track!

Lisa said...

PS...what a good guy your neighbor is! I think you should make him some Pasole to thank him! hehehe Love you!

Dickson Circus said...

HA HA HAHHAH!!! Lisa's pasole comment totally put me under!
I can't add my own "boy" story, but they are SO ENTERTAINING! I hadn't heard about the mac and cheese packet paste. I'm sure there was a day where you went to make mac n' cheese and there was no packet. No packet!?? Where did it go? Now we know.
However, I am sure that is why our parents get such pleasure out of seeing all of US with kids. Surely mom had plenty of days similar to that. (Of course, IIIII was always a good kid.)
I have a many a time been in the situation of, "don't dwell on the poop you are cleaning up off the walls, or you will jump from your balcony." I think that is why a lot of moms talk to themselves. We talk ourselves down from the cliff.
5 days!!

Anonymous said...

Ok, I do have one thing to say..... they don't grow out of it... but they grow up and marry girls like you guys and then us mom's don't have to deal with it. hahaha!! The whole reason this stuff happens is sometime along your growing up years a parent cast that famous spell... may you have children just like you!!! I curse/ed my children many times over... perhaps that is why they are scared to get married and have their own children!! Love you Katrina... soon he will be in school and you get to have a break... it does help to have someone to commiserate with. Get the book... so you want to raise a boy by Cleon Skousen. He is dead on!!! And you get to read ahead and say.... what??? %^**&*&@ I have to go through that too?? HAHAHAHA!! Keep it up... you shall soon be delivered! Love you! Annette

Meredith & Steve said...

"Deliver me" ...or, my personal favorite "Stick a fork in me Jerry, I'm done!" (Kramer on Seinfeld, after having used butter instead of suntan oil to lay out in the sun...he looked like a thanksgiving turkey!)

Next time, just keep his shorts on! What, you say that is easier said than done?!?!?

lisareneenielsen said...

BAHAHA! Meredith's comment made me laugh. Only because I thought to myself...."WHOSE shorts should she keep on??? Benjamin's at the water park or Matthew's so she wouldn't ever be miserably nine months pregnant again?"

Joel said...

"Just let it go dude, just let it go." -Dumb and Dumber. I'm surprised that you aren't THRILLED about his creative side?!? Some people would say he must be part genius and that things like this should be expected? Wait till he get's into your bottle of Astroglide (personal lube if you know what I mean) and rubs it on his hands and face thinking that it's "hand lotion!"