Saturday, January 19, 2008

Church Pet Peeves

Supposedly the older you get, the wiser you become. Having just turned 36, it has occurred to me that I have started on the path known as "old and crotchety." I have recently become aware of my church pet peeves.

#1. People who pass the sacrament tray right next to me or directly in front of my "bosom". I have to pull up my arm like a T-Rex, using only my two long fingers and thumb, to try and grab a cup. C'MON! Hold it out by the hymn books so I have a shot at it! I need full range of motion so I don't have that "sacrament dribble" going down the front of me.

#2. "I'm so nervous when I speak . . .", oh no! It's the wild call of the boring speaker. Admitting that your guts are churning is another way of saying, "Since I couldn't bear the thought of talking to you, I brought something you definitely would NOT want to hear. I plan on mumbling the first half and crying through the last half." It's going to be boring. Nervous speakers never tell jokes or stories that you can relate to.

#3 "I read this talk (an hour ago) and thought you'd enjoy me rereading it, with bad emphasis, over the pulpit." UM NO! NO, actually, I DON'T! Send the link, I'll take a look. I would MUCH rather hear about the time that you and your cousin stole a carton of cigarettes and smoked them on the roof of your grandma's camper until you got completely green and sick. THAT is the story I want to hear over the pulpit. I mean, THAT I can relate to!

#4 Bad programs. Man. You don't have to go overboard or anything, but how hard is it to get an interesting picture up front? Or maybe throw in a crossword to entertain us while someone is rereading a talk? Have Mercy!

Okay, so those are only the top four. I will refrain from the skankily clad YW, the tennis shoes on YM, 70's polyester ties on kids born in the 90's, boys with girls haircuts "Is that Dorothy Hamill? NO, it's the Smith boy . . .", people who fall asleep on the stand, any story that involves your medical history, and talks that are a big ole heaping serving of that old cuisine known as "scripture links."

It's self awareness, and I can't say I'm totally proud of my old, um, ness. But that is what self-discovery is all about, learning to see yourself for what you are. Happy Birthday to me - and TUCK IN YOUR SHIRT GOSH DARN IT! What were you raised in, a BARN?!!


Danika said...

AMEN!!!! So true, so true. You are hilarious.

Meredith said...

YES YES YES!!!!! I am not a fan of the ol' "when Brother So and So called I...(insert lame anecdote about ignoring the call or something equally stupid) immediately followed by the congregational, in unison, "Courtesy Chuckle." I HATE that and refuse to do it.

Oh, and a ward that trains you to be late (ie: OURS) by starting 7 minutes late.

Chelsea said...

Hallelujah and can i get a witness? I so agree with all of these. ESPECIALLY the placement of the sacrament tray.

I'm going to add some of my church pet peeves:
*Letting kids wander up to the pulpit and then the parent goes up with an "embarassed" smile that really means "Oh how cute is my child?"
*Closing a talk by saying "In the name of THY son." To me, that's a prayer thing. You didn't just address the talk to God, did you? Maybe I missed the opening "Our Father in Heaven," but I'm pretty sure you used a definition you found in Webster's Dictionary for Mercy.
*Giving your life history in your testimony. There are a few things a testimony consists of. Read Elder Ballard's talk from a couple Conferences ago to find out what those are.
*It's not thankimony meeting. That's what a prayer is.

Those are just a few. Thanks for letting me share. I feel better already! At least until I go to church on Sunday.

Lisa said...

HAHAHA! What a GREAT post! I agree with ALL of them. Although, I fear I may be guilty of the "boys with girl haircuts". i.e. are you seeing your nephew Jack as Dorothy Hamill? You hit one of my ALL time big no no's....when people READ a talk in their talk. No better way to put an audience to sleep. I'd like to add a few of mine also....girls in PRIMARY and YW wearing STRIPPER lie, it happens in my ward all the time. People who "reserve" their pew before sacrament starts (we have ours last) by stringing their diaper bags, scriptures, and coats across the pews, parents that don't take continually screaming children out into the foyer, or how about the guy in our ward who answers his cell phone during sacrament meeting "Oh hi mom! No, I'm not busy...what's new?" Seriously, it's happened SEVERAL times. Also, the people who think they are "above" a calling...i.e. teaching in Primary, being a nursery leader. Since when did callings have a heirarchy? Last I knew, it all boiled down to SERVING THE LORD people! Grown men who wear white socks with their black sunday shoes. I mean, it looks bad enough on a Primary aged kid, let alone a grown adult. I also hate the "linger longer." Also known as "the race to the 'me first' line for store bought cookies. Unless you live in the East Orange Branch in New Jersey...then it's a full on FEAST. Oh, my last one, is the parade of the primary for Fast and Testimony meeting. Sorry, but no 2 or 3 year old needs to be "bearing their testimony" over the pulpit. BTW, I feel sorry for whomever gets your old calling for the did such an awesome job you set the bar PRETTY high! They are gonna need all the help they can get!

Meredith said...

Oh, and I get really peeved when my visiting teaching assignments get changed! Jeesh! So rude!

Reggs said...

*I really hate it when people let their toddlers take their own sacrament cups. Do they ever touch just ONE cup? I am always doing the awkward bended wrist reach for the untouched cup on the other side of the handle.

*I hate fast sunday when some well-intentioned female gets up, and before she even says a word, she starts crying and blubbering. UUUGGHH. I feel like shouting, "DUDE, you're making the women look weak and weird!"
*Kids wearing basketball shoes with their church pants.
*Young women who are wearing what they wear to school everyday...except it's paired with a floaty skirt. Sorry, doesn't cut it.
*People in Sunday school who dominate the discussion. Danika has a good system of limiting your comments to THREE. If you are bursting with a fourth, you've said too much and frankly, you just want attention.
*Inactives who show up once every 6 months and dominate the discussion.
*Relief Society testimony moment. UUUUGGHH!! WHY DO WE HAVE THAT??
Okay, that's it for now, but I totally agree with the other comments, too!