Supposedly the older you get, the wiser you become. Having just turned 36, it has occurred to me that I have started on the path known as "old and crotchety." I have recently become aware of my church pet peeves.
#1. People who pass the sacrament tray right next to me or directly in front of my "bosom". I have to pull up my arm like a T-Rex, using only my two long fingers and thumb, to try and grab a cup. C'MON! Hold it out by the hymn books so I have a shot at it! I need full range of motion so I don't have that "sacrament dribble" going down the front of me.
#2. "I'm so nervous when I speak . . .", oh no! It's the wild call of the boring speaker. Admitting that your guts are churning is another way of saying, "Since I couldn't bear the thought of talking to you, I brought something you definitely would NOT want to hear. I plan on mumbling the first half and crying through the last half." It's going to be boring. Nervous speakers never tell jokes or stories that you can relate to.
#3 "I read this talk (an hour ago) and thought you'd enjoy me rereading it, with bad emphasis, over the pulpit." UM NO! NO, actually, I DON'T! Send the link, I'll take a look. I would MUCH rather hear about the time that you and your cousin stole a carton of cigarettes and smoked them on the roof of your grandma's camper until you got completely green and sick. THAT is the story I want to hear over the pulpit. I mean, THAT I can relate to!
#4 Bad programs. Man. You don't have to go overboard or anything, but how hard is it to get an interesting picture up front? Or maybe throw in a crossword to entertain us while someone is rereading a talk? Have Mercy!
Okay, so those are only the top four. I will refrain from the skankily clad YW, the tennis shoes on YM, 70's polyester ties on kids born in the 90's, boys with girls haircuts "Is that Dorothy Hamill? NO, it's the Smith boy . . .", people who fall asleep on the stand, any story that involves your medical history, and talks that are a big ole heaping serving of that old cuisine known as "scripture links."
It's self awareness, and I can't say I'm totally proud of my old, um, ness. But that is what self-discovery is all about, learning to see yourself for what you are. Happy Birthday to me - and TUCK IN YOUR SHIRT GOSH DARN IT! What were you raised in, a BARN?!!
Saturday, January 19, 2008
Posted by Katrina at 9:11 AM